News flash

Weapons inspectors found what they believed was a “mobile biological weapons laboratory” in the centre of Cambridge yesterday. Taking the form of a wheeled vehicle loaded with deadly toxins and equipment, the laboratory was known colloquially in the area as “the death van”. However, further investigation and testing today revealed that this vehicle was in fact intended to purvey kebabs to the drunk and näive. The closest thing to a weapon was a large knife used to slice the donners and stave off those who “want some” after a few too many.