Et-e-ket

A mate of mine told me about some fatherly advice his dad once gave him. "Son, there are a lot of people in this world" he said. "Most of them are wankers." [He might have said wonkers, actually.] Whilst I agree with the advice, he failed to specify that most of them live in London. Got on the bus this morning. It was rammed. Some bloke was standing in the middle of the bus with plenty of space behind him, meaning that the bus was a lot more crowded that it needed to be. Not wanting to be one of the wonkers that shouts "Could you move down the bus please!", I bustled past everyone to occupy the free space. Did people follow my lead, thereby freeing up space in the bus? Did they bollocks. Instead, I get tutted at as I move along the bus, and glared at because the bus now doesn't look as crowded as before, so the bus driver stops at every stop to let people on, instead of going past them. Apparently I'm the wanker. Making space for people, and I'm the wanker? [Stands on table a la Trent in Swingers and shouts: "I'm the asshole."] I've seen it on the tube too - you know, the attitude of "I'm on the tube, and I'm focked if I'm moving an inch to make space for anyone else get on." I'm gonna write a book on public transport etiquette. And next time someone behaves selfishly on public transport, I'm gonna smack them across the heed with the fockin book. (And it'll be a masseev book, cos it'll have chapters on pub/bar etiquette and quiz machine etiquette...) regards The Count of Montechrishto